Comparing vs Confining

THE FOLLOWING BLOG WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED BY the new professionals and graduate students Knowledge Community ON OCTOBER 31, 2016. LEARN MORE AND ENGAGE WITH OUR 30 VIBRANT KNOWLEDGE COMMUNITIES HERE.

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” This simple statement resonated with me at two important times in my life. First, when I began my educational journal at Cerritos College and again, when I was in my graduate program at California State University, Long Beach (CSULB). 

My parents raised me to graduate high school and get a full-time job. I did have the desire to work, but I wanted to use the money earned to pay for college, just as my friends were doing. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted more. After enrollment, I was able to talk to my friends about life as a college student. I learned quickly I was not on the same “level” as my friends because I didn’t attend a university. I felt their sense of pride when they talked about their various schools. I began to see UCLA, UCI, CSULB, and CSUF as pillars of excellence that only the skilled were allowed to attend. I dreaded being asked, “What school do you go to?” That feeling of comparing myself to my friends became nauseating. No matter what I learned, what I did, or what opportunities I had, it was never good enough because it wasn’t at the university level. I began feeling less motivated to finish school, my grades started slipping, and it pushed back my ability to transfer schools. After six years, I transferred to California State University, Los Angeles (CSULA). Only after I was officially enrolled did that nauseating feeling pass because I finally felt like an equal. Even though that feeling did pass, it never truly left.

My graduate program at CSULB was my opportunity to start fresh with a cohort full of people who were on the same level. As I started learning more about them, that same feeling came rushing back in the form of the imposter syndrome. All I could do was wonder if I had entered The Twilight Zone. How could I be in the same program getting the same degree as these professionals? Every time they talked something they had done, I felt as though they were more talented than I was. I vented my frustrations to another grad school friend about everything I was feeling. Her response was simple, “So? What does that have to do with you?” As frustrated and annoyed as I was, I was left speechless. I fought so hard within myself to give her some witty comeback or smartass response, but I had nothing. This moment gave clarity to how I was thinking and the damage it was becoming.

Around that time, I was in my Counseling Theories class, where I learned about Cognitive Behavior Theory (CBT). One part of CBT is cognitive reframing. Its purpose is to help an individual shift (reframe) their thinking about an event, idea, concept, or emotion from something negative to more positive. For example, a sentence like, “I am not good at advising students one-on-one” can be changed to “I am still learning my style when it comes to advising students one-on-one.”

The biggest problem with comparing yourself to others is how entangled you feel with other thoughts and feelings. What emotions do you feel when you’re comparing yourself to others? Sadness? Anger? Frustration? Jealousy? Envy? Even if you identify those emotions, who do you direct it to? Yourself? The people you’re comparing yourself to?  Society? The job field? Your professors? Your family? Your upbringing? When does it stop? When you get what they had? When you protect what you were going to lose? Does it stop? Can it stop? What are you looking to gain by comparing? Confidence? Acceptance? Closure?

All of this can feel overwhelming, and that’s the goal of comparing. When you compare yourself to another person, you’re setting yourself up for stress and anxiety. I would often hear colleagues and peers talk about how their own accomplishments, or sometimes lack thereof, and how it would cause so much stress and anxiety for them. They would ignore the fact they had received their degree or gotten a promotion; they solely focused on what was missing.

In grad school, we are told to celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small they are. So when do you celebrate your accomplishments? Now. You start right now. You look back on everything you’ve done and reward yourself. You look at the students whose lives were changed because of you and celebrate that. You think back to all the people that changed your life for the better and thank them.

Turn envy into motivation. Untangle your stress. Redirect your energy. And like Pops, from the Marvel show Luke Cage, always said, “Never backward, always forward. Always."

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Christopher Perez serves as an Academic Success Coach at Coastline Community College. He completed his master's degree in Counseling with an emphasis in Student Development in Higher Education this past May. He currently serves on the leadership team for the NASPA Region VI New Professionals and Graduate Students Knowledge Community.